I am pretty stressed out about my upcoming surgery and leave. I keep thinking that I'm going to be some cripple afterwards, and I won't be able to do anything for myself. I know that's not really the case but my anxiety, which is typically accompanied by irrational fears, makes me think, "YOU ARE GOING TO BE SO HURT AND WON'T BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING." My head is filled with worst case scenarios, and I keep thinking of all the things I wish I could do prior to my surgery.
I'm hoping that this leave won't be my like my last medical leave, where I was so out of it that I could barely do anything. Chemotherapy and then radiation took away my personality and my ability to deal with, well, anything. It made me so exhausted. I didn't look or feel like myself. God, I hope that this surgery will just make me a bruised and tired version of myself. Sure, it's going to be weird to look at my chest and go, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? WHERE DID MY NIPPLES GO?" (Oh yeah, they are going to take my nipples.) But it's going to mean a lot if I can look in the mirror and go, "Oh hai there."
My anxiety can be paralyzing at times.
If you want to see what I'll be looking like after my surgery, check out The Scar Project. Check out the beautiful red-head with glasses and fake boobs with no nipples. I saw this Exhibit when I was in New York City last fall, and it was amazing.