Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Open letter to SimplePickup2:

Dear Douchebros,

I just watched your video where you put these "haters" on blast, saying because of them, breast cancer research just lost out on $7,000.  I can't speak for all the other haters, but on behalf of this hater, GOOD.

When I heard that the foundation refunded your money and asked you to STOP using their name in any videos, I felt happy.  I might have even giggled in glee.  You say in your video that this foundation was pressured by a small minority of haters who were offended.  To that, I say it wasn't a small group of people who were offended by what you did, you self-entitled douchebags.  Fuck you, and anyone who looks like your smug douche faces. 

I've been through a lot because of breast cancer: three surgeries, seven weeks of radiation, four and a half months of chemotherapy, and countless hours of therapy.  On top of that, my mom died of metastatic breast cancer.  When I heard that dudes were motorboating to raise money for breast cancer research, I wanted to nutpunch every single one of you.  For testicular cancer awareness, of course.

What you did was offensive and crossed the line so far, I don't think you can see that line anymore.  It's another state to you.   Why is it offensive, a douchebag might ask?

Using the guise of breast cancer awareness to give you pass to motorboat a pair of breasts you otherwise had no chance of touching, it's trivializing and sexualizing a disease that's deadly and disfiguring.  My mom = dead.  Me = no breasts.  You think someone like me is going to hear about your pranks and go, "Oh, it's cool that they're motorboating chicks because breast cancer awareness."  Hell no.  I mean, unless you want to motorboat my reconstructed chest, the same chest that doesn't have any nipples?  Oh shucks, the implants that my doctors spent months stretching out my skin to put into my body DO NOT MOVE.  You can try to motorboat Barbie and Skipper, but you're going to be hitting your face on hard, stationary fake tits.  But you don't want to motorboat my chest or any other chests that look like mine.  You want nice, perky, disease-free breasts to put your cheap cologne-splattered face in between because that's how playas roll, right?  

The reality of breast cancer, which is beautifully illustrated in a video (below) made by a group of survivors, would be too horrifying to get your attention.

Don't use the disease that took my mother's life and could very well take mine as an excuse to touch boobs, bros.  It's gross and unbecoming.  You say you wanted to help a worthy cause, but those who would benefit from your so-called help, like all of us affected by breast cancer, shouldn't have to give up our dignity just for the sake of awareness.  Proclaiming "awareness" and then behaving inappropriately, doesn't mean you're excused from any criticism.  This disease is deadly and it isn't a joke, and your actions made this horrifying disease a joke.

If being offended by the pranks you pulled makes me a hater, then I'm the biggest hater you'll encounter.  If you really want to help women, why don't you take the money you raised and donate it to a women's shelter or RAINN?   

Lastly, kiss my mastectomy scars.



Me before getting my skin stretched out.


  1. Replies
    1. I think we probably appreciate boobs a lot more than these jackasses.

  2. I ended up making the mistake of commenting on their video and getting into an argument with their supporters. then I remembered I am a strong, intelligent woman and I turned off the notifications. because seriously, dumb as rocks.

    1. You're braver than me. Youtube commenters are pretty much the worst of the worst, especially since it's a dudebro channel. I could teach them how to pick up ladies - stop being douchebags.

  3. yeah, you tell 'em, lara. beautiful truth - they'll probably never "get it", just hope they don't have to have it slammed into their faces if ever it's their moms, sister, dads, brothers or THEM who ever have to face this horrible disease first hand, up close and personal. then see how much fun their asinine pranks infringe on the dignity and sensitivity of people they care about. totally dumb asses.

  4. This is great! You are great! Thank you!

  5. I'll tell ya, Lara, between you & the splendidly snarky Erin Gloria Ryan's response to these execrable dudes in Jezebel (and her fabulous phrase 'metastatic douchebaggery'), I think you've pretty much nailed how most of us feel.

    xoxo, Kathi