Double Mastectomy

I am pretty stressed out about my upcoming surgery and leave.  I keep thinking that I'm going to be some cripple afterwards, and I won't be able to do anything for myself.  I know that's not really the case but my anxiety, which is typically accompanied by irrational fears, makes me think, "YOU ARE GOING TO BE SO HURT AND WON'T BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING."  My head is filled with worst case scenarios, and I keep thinking of all the things I wish I could do prior to my surgery.

I'm hoping that this leave won't be my like my last medical leave, where I was so out of it that I could barely do anything.  Chemotherapy and then radiation took away my personality and my ability to deal with, well, anything.  It made me so exhausted.  I didn't look or feel like myself.  God, I hope that this surgery will just make me a bruised and tired version of myself.  Sure, it's going to be weird to look at my chest and go, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?  WHERE DID MY NIPPLES GO?"  (Oh yeah, they are going to take my nipples.)  But it's going to mean a lot if I can look in the mirror and go, "Oh hai there."  

My anxiety can be paralyzing at times.   

If you want to see what I'll be looking like after my surgery, check out The Scar Project.  Check out the beautiful red-head with glasses and fake boobs with no nipples.  I saw this Exhibit when I was in New York City last fall, and it was amazing.

Tired

Ever since chemotherapy started, I haven't been able to sleep through the night anymore.  I wake up once, sometimes twice, a nice because I'm sweating profusely, like the temperature in my room was a good 90 degrees.  Other times, I wake up because my anxious thoughts dictate that I be awake. 

What if I get hospitalized?

What if I'm never physically the same after chemotherapy?

What if I go into menopause for real, and I can't ever have any children?

What if this comes back?

What if I don't make it to my mom's age?

I lie in my bed most nights, feeling cold because of my bald head but at the same time, hot because my body thinks it's going through menopause.  In all actuality, I know that three months is a short time and might even be here before I know it.  Right now, I have a hard time using that thought as a motivator.  I have to take it day by day, and on my bad days, hour by hour.  All I can see is my next appointment and this week, that appointment is happening tomorrow.  I'm having an ultrasound done on my liver because right now, chemo is laying some shit down on my liver. 

Yesterday was a bad day.  I cried most of the day and felt absolutely drained.  Times like yesterday, I wish I could crawl up next to my mother and have a good cry.  I've been missing her so much during my treatment.  I would give anything to have her there with me for all my treatments and to let me know I can survive this.  Is it wrong I want a mother figure to come and take care of me, even if it's for a couple of days.  My parental units did come over last and visited me and the pup for a little bit.  They saw my bald head for the first time.  I don't know if that's something that affected either of them.  My family lacks emotions.

At the end of a bad day, nothing makes the world right again like a cuddle with your sweetie.  I love my boyfriend so much and would do anything for him.  I could cry right now when I think of how grateful I am to have him in my life.  I'm so glad I don't have to go through this alone.  He is such an amazing man.  He hugs me, comforts me and tells me I'm pretty, even though I look like a bald 50 year old man.

The point of this entry - I'm exhausted.  I rarely leave my house.  I wear sweatpants pretty much every day of the week.  I don't feel like myself.  I'm petrified at every dizzy spell or sharp pain in my chest.  I have no patience and have cut off ties with several people in my life because I just don't have the energy to care anymore.  Cancer sure ain't pretty.

In case anyone was wondering

Since my surgeon didn't order the Oncotype test after my surgery last month and it got postponed until my oncologist could order it, I'm not going to start any treatment until probably the second week of November.  (I was diagnosed with cancer on September 22 - srsly.)  I've been told they can't do anything until the test gets back and on Friday, I was told that would take 10 to 14 days.  Thank you, health care system.  I don't know what's going to kill me first - cancer or my patience.

Congrats Lara - you have cancer.  Now you get to wait weeks on end just to get the sucker fully out of your body.  Haha, we don't care that your anxiety is getting worse and worse the longer you wait.  You're not a person to us - just a Socical Security number. 

I guess the only bright side to my surgeon's fuck up is that I can enjoy a week or two of normalcy before becoming a full-time cancer patient.  Plus I won't be in the hospital when my boyfriend has his 40th birthday.  Still, I'm not enjoying this wait whatsoever.  While I'm not looking forward to surgeries or chemotherapy, I just want to get this train moving.  The quicker it starts, the quicker it ends.

I haven't even started my treatment and I'm already falling through the cracks.  This can't be good.