Saturday, May 5, 2012

Boob Eulogy: 1992 to 2012

Warning: Parental discretion is advised.  By that, I mean if you are my parent, then you might not want to read what I am about to write.

(32 year old Lara comes to the podium): We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of my boobs.  We have several special guests who wish to speak about both Righty, the murderous bastard, and Lefty, the innocent victim.

(12 year old Lara walks shyly to the podium, complete with big pink glasses, an overbite and an unfortunate haircut): Hi... uh, hi, my name is Lara.  I just passed sixth grade, and I'm going to enter the seventh grade.  Uh, yeah, so, I don't really know what to say about my boobs.  (Awkward giggle.)  These things, like, showed up and I haven't really known what to do with them.  (Stares down at her feet.)  I really don't like it when anyone stares at me.  I have noticed that, uh, sometimes... um, when people look at me that they are laughing at me.  So uh, I like to wear big baggy T-shirts so that nobody looks at me.  I don't want any attention or uh, like any attention.  I just want to be left alone.  In conclusion, I would like to tell my boobs that in the beginning, they made me feel really self conscious.  I'm sorry that they have to go, but uh, I wasn't happy when they showed up at the end of the sixth grade.

(32 year old Lara comes back to the podium): Thank you, middle school Lara.  That was... weird and a touch of awkward.   Okay, next up will be high school Lara.

(17 year old Lara walks up to the podium, with big wire-rimmed glasses and frizzy hair): Hi, I'm Lara.  I'm about to enter my senior year, and I have a fun job at the local amusement park, Worlds of Fun.  As you can see by my large-sized polo shirt, you cannot see my boobs.  Just like middle school Lara, I'm not comfortable with clothes that are tight or too revealing.  Oh you will not believe it, but my coworkers accused me of being flat-chested one day.  When I said, "No way, guys.  I"m a 34-C," they still didn't believe me.  I had to go back in the closet, take off my bra, and then show them.  You should have seen their jaw drops.  My plan sort of, uh, backfired on me because for weeks, I keep hearing them say, "Lara's a 34-C?"  My friends are really sweet.  They keep wanting to take me shopping for clothes that show off my figure.  I didn't even know I had a figure but apparently so.  So to my boobs, I'm sorry to hear about your demise.  I also would like to apologize for never showing yoFu off like I should have.  Again, I'm not a fan of any attention.  Good luck, present day Lara.

(32 year old Lara comes back to the podium): I, too, regret you not showing off the boobs back when you were a tiny little thing.  You might have actually got a date in high school or gone to one of those high school dances.  Oh well.  Okay, next up is college graduate Lara.

(22 year old Lara steps up to the podium, wearing wire-rimmed glasses and now wearing clothes that show off the Girls): Howdy folks.  I am 22-year-old Lara, and last year, I had a surgery to remove a benign tumor in my right breast.  The surgery left a nice scar right by my cleavage.  See?  (Pulls down her shirt ever so slightly to reveal a purplish scar.)  This scar has come in handy when I'm at the bar, trying to score free drinks.  Guys are such easy targets.  All I have to do is ask one of them if they want to see my scar.  Presto, a beer magically arrives in front of me.  It's awesome.  Anyway, I am really sorry to hear that the boobs are now a hazard, not the asset they once were.  The surgery last year was really scary and a wake up call about breast cancer.  It's real, and it's coming.  At least now, I am more comfortable with showing them off. (Flashes her boobs to the audience.)

(32 year old Lara returns to the podium, with a big smile on her face): Our final special speaker is 28 year old Lara.

(28 year old Lara steps up to the podium, with big black glasses and dyed red hair): What's going on?  I'm also Lara.  It took me awhile but I have finally accepted what my body looks like.  I'd like to thank Stacey and Clinton from What Not to Wear for inspiring me to actually give a crap about my appearance.  Anyway, I've been getting mammograms and ultrasounds for a couple of years now.  Since my mom was diagnosed at 35, my doctors have been putting me through the ringer since I was 25.  It's for the greater good, I keep telling myself every year I go in for these tests.  I hate it.  I really do, but it's what I have to do.  So to my boobs, I'd like to say, "Fuck you."  I will do everything in my power to destroy you if you come at me.  Good luck, present day Lara.  I have faith that you will get through this just fine.  You have done everything you could to make sure you don't end up like Mom.

(28 year old Lara and 32 year old Lara embrace on stage, with 32 year old Lara returning to the podium): All very touching words from Lara throughout the years.  I'd like to say about my boobs is this... Righty, you have been a bastard for a very long time.  I am happy to see you go.  I hope you rot in hell, you murderous breast.  Lefty, I'm sorry to see you go, too, but you have to pay for Righty's misdeeds.  A double mastectomy is frightening, but this is what you have to do to beat breast cancer once and for all.  Before the partial mastectomy two years ago, I used to think I had the most perfect breasts.  Now, I see them for what they are: threats.  It's time to say good bye.  I will not die for my breasts.  


  1. I love you dear. Boobs (especially man-made non cancerous ones!) can be replaced. Lara, she cannot. She's one of a kind. She's what I want saved, and why I'll be there to support HER along the way.

    You'll make it through.

  2. This is awesome. I mean, obviously not awesome, but the premise, the creativity, the idea of the eulogy... it's wonderful. So many phases of life, development as women, are marked by our relationship with our boobs. I love this post so much.