Tuesday, October 26, 2010


One of the major things on my mind in regard to the whole cancer schmancer is my fertility.  I am 30 years old and I don't have any children.  The idea of motherhood has been in the back of my mind but was never something I wanted to pursue until I met the right guy.  I dated quite a bit of, um, not so right guys in my 20s and would never want to tie myself to any of them for the rest of my life.

I am finally with a guy who I see the whole package with: house, kids and a dog.  He wants the same thing, too.  We were even talking about starting to try this fall.  Then I get cancer.

I haven't been all "mopey dopey-why me?-this isn't fair-damn you GOD" about my cancer diagnosis.  I understand that cancer could very well take my life well before the age my mom was when she died.  This is the card that I have been dealt and I accept that.  When I think about the possibility of never having children because chemotherapy could put me into early menopause and I don't have enough money to have science aid me in my fertility quest, I get really angry.  I get really fucking angry.  This isn't fair.

I'm in a stable relationship with a wonderful man who treats me incredibly, and I just bought a home.  A home which I bought thinking would one day be where my sweetie and I have our kids.  It absolutely breaks my heart that the possibility of this future happening is becoming slim to none.  I may miss out on having a family because I wanted to wait until I found the right guy.  The odds are stacked against me. 

I know there's adoption and foster children.  I'm about to face a disease that is going to take my breasts away and ravage my body and possibly my ability to ever have a child.  I know I should be concentrating first and foremost on getting cancer free.  I'm just pissed as hell that when my friends are having babies and getting married, I have fucking breast cancer.

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