My New Year's Resolutions

I have big plans for 2012, and they mostly all revolve around self-improvement and my never-ending quest to stop being so damn lazy.  I watch too much television, surf the 'net way too much, and eat fast-food more than I should.  These are the aspects of myself which I would love to change.  

New Year's Resolution Number One

Less eating out, more cooking.  I've never been a fan of cooking, mostly because my confidence in the kitchen is zilch.  It's not that I don't have the time because I do.  I would rather be a lazy bum and watch television than put any effort into what I'm eating.  No mas!  You can't hear it but there is a (hypothetical) voice in the back of my head telling me, "Get yo' diet in control, gurrrrl.  Don't give the cancer a friendly environment to return to."  For the sake of my sanity and hypochondriac ways, I have to get my diet under control.  Plus, a year before I stop taking Tamoxifen (October 2013), I plan on making my body as "baby friendly" as possible.  When I can start trying to have a baby, I want to hit the ground running. 

The other main reason: my boyfriend and I are wasting so much money eating out.  We can do so much better, and I want to get our whole lives on track.

On a sentimental note, I actually like baking, though my baking skills are very basic.  My stepmom's mom, Nana, aka the most awesome lady on the face of this planet, was a fantastic baker.  When she would come visit our house, she would bake everyone their favorite cookies or pie.  I'm pretty sure we all gained five to 10 pounds after an extended visit of hers.  I remember sitting at the dinner table with her as she baked cookies and listened to her talk about whatever.  It was so nice and lovely.  Whenever I bake the one thing I know how to bake, I think of Nana and it's a nice nostalgic feeling.

New Year's Resolution Number Two

I need to stop watching so much television and read a frickin' book.  I rarely read anymore.  It's sad and pathetic (for me) since I used to read books all the time.  During secondary school, I always carried a book with me.  I was also a big reader in college, though they were mostly "chick lit" novels.  When I went on vacations, I always had a purse in my bag.  I read voraciously and now.... meh.  I do blame my job for this.  I read read read read read all day, and so when I get home, the last thing I want to do is open a book.  I miss school and learning.  I am setting a goal of a minimum of 12 books this year.  To my boyfriend and also my friend Shannon (the two biggest hard-core readers I know), this would seem like a lame goal.  I just want to get back into the swing of things and back into the book-worm lifestyle I used to enjoy and love so much.

New Year's Resolution Number Three

I want to be one of those "go-getters" when it comes to my career.  If I can't be a mom in the next couple of years, then I should try my hand at success in the professional arena.  I know I have it in me.  I'm just feeling confident about my outer appearance, so now it's time to finesse the inner confidence.

New Year's Resolution Number Four

My final resolution is to abide by this philosophy:

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

I think the quote speaks for itself.  

Life After Cancer

Originally I thought I would shut GuS after I was done with active treatment.  It's been almost five months since I had my last radiation appointment, and I'm very much struggling with life post-cancer.  I feel the need to blog again because it helped me a lot during treatment, and I'm hoping it will do the same post-cancerpalooza.

One of the main things I'm struggling with is self image.  It's been almost a year since my clown-red hair fell out.  Come Christmas, that will mark the one-year anniversary of the big bad bald.  My hair is probably two or three inches now.  While it looks great, I still don't like it and have this sense of disconnect when it comes to my appearance.  I have a hairdo that in a million years (pre-cancer), I never would have said to a stylist, "Make my hair look like this."  I still stare at the bright pink scar across my neck, and I swear, my skin just has a hint of greyish to it.

I've been coping with my self-image issues by a copious amounts of shopping.  Oh lord, I have gone absolute nuts with my shopping as of late.  I keep thinking to myself as I shop, "If I can't look the way I used to, then I'll create a new version of me."  My closet is full of shoes, boots and accessories.  I've donated all the Old Lara clothes that I could to Salvation Army.  Right now, I would call my style Hipster Business Casual, if that makes any sense.

Another reason my self-image is so messed up goes back to how I looked during chemo.  I spent six months bald, paler than I thought I ever could be in my life, all while wearing T-shirts and sweatpants.  It took at least six to eight months for my surgery to heal and my cancer boob to heal properly and align itself forward.  I wore baggy shirts and sweaters to hide my boobs when they were askew.  I have caught way too many people looking at my neck and giving me unnecessary looks and stares.  On the days I would even take a good look at myself in the mirror, I could just feel my self esteem go down the proverbial crapper.  I looked as shitty as I felt physically.

Whenever I go out now, I just put so much thought and focus into what I'm wearing.   In some situations, it can take me a good hour to get dressed, ready and out the door.  Old Lara and New Lara are two very different people.  Old Lara, who was a borderline What Not to Wear nominee, wouldn't give a second thought to wearing baggy jeans and a t-shirt.   Not New Lara, no siree.  I can't leave without making sure my outfit looks put-together and hopefully chic.  I've read so many People Style and In-Style magazines.

Despite all this effort and insane amount of thought, I still struggle with how I feel about how I look.  Even though Old Lara was a plain Jane with not that much style, it was still how I looked for most of my entire adult life.  It was comforting and familiar, and now it's gone.  I had no choice.  I appreciate the compliments I've gotten on my hair in the last six months.  That hasn't taken away how much I miss the way I used to look.  I wish I could look in the mirror and not be reminded of seven rounds of chemotherapy (hair) and a painful surgery which hospitalized me for two days (neck).

I have other post-cancer topics to talk about.  This is just the first one on my mind due to my shopping gone wild.