Thursday, July 26, 2012


A couple of months ago, I decided that I really wanted to wean myself off anti-depressants.  I stopped taking Tamoxifen in April after I decided to have a double-mastectomy.  When I started taking Tamoxifen, the medication affected my mood swings so bad that I needed to take anti-depressants to counteract the bad mojo of Tamoxifen.  

To be honest, I was struggling with depression before I started taking Tamoxifen.  I had more crying fits than ever before.  I couldn't see the good in anything and thought that my life would be nothing but illness, hospital visits and then ultimately, death.   Depression made me see everything in shit-colored glasses.  When I started Tamoxifen, that escalated my depression and I wanted to die.   Depression + Tamoxifen = disaster.

Anti-depressants let me go on with my daily life without crying all the time and driving everyone in my life absolutely crazy.  The medication helped me get out of bed, put my shoes on, and live my life the best I could.  It allowed me to see joy in things again.

When I stopped taking Tamoxifen, things stopped being so difficult.   The physical side effects of Tamoxifen quickly went away, and I thought to myself, "Well, maybe the depression won't be as severe now that I'm done taking this god forsaken medication."  It'd be nice to be down to just one daily medication (synthroid for those of you keeping track at home), instead of my record of three medication.

I haven't dealt with a lot of things that contributed to my depression.  Ever since I've been diagnosed, I have never seen a counselor and I've been to a support group maybe five or six times.  In two years.  The main form of "therapy" has been blogging, believe it or not.  I haven't resolved any of family bullshit drama, the feeling like I'm not loved by them, my fears of being infertile after chemotherapy, and the feeling that all this is useless, and I'm just going to die from breast cancer anyway.

So I'm almost done weaning myself off the anti-depressants, and it hasn't been easy.  I've wanted to scream and curse out lots of people but I'm keeping those thoughts in check.  I'm trying to take this day by day and sometimes just hour by hour.  When all else fails, I might just have to hug a puppy.


  1. Glad to hear your trying to get off the meds, that has to be a good thing. Good for you lady! :)

  2. Sheeeee-it girl, I'm a member of the prozac nation and I've not been through anything like the crap hand you've been dealt. I can't imagine trying to wean myself off them until after my caregiving duties are done and I get over the aftermath, whenever that may be.
    Give that pup a smooch for me, she's worth her weight in pure gold.