Marriage

I've been thinking a lot about marriage in the past couple of months.  Now that I'm feeling good and no longer looking like the sickie I have been for a year, I've been wondering when my sweetie and I are going to get married.  I keep coming to the same conclusion: I want to marry him but I don't want to have a wedding.  

When I first met my sweetie, I was immediately smitten with him.  When he and I met, I wasn't looking for a relationship and even planned to move back to my home city.  Within a couple of weeks of meeting him, I knew those plans were scrapped.  He was, and still is, the most amazing man I have ever met.  I was in love with him weeks before I admitted it to him.  I obsessively messaged my Twin: "Does he like me?  Do you think he likes me?  OMG, WHAT IF HE DOESN'T?"  Oh memories.  My Twin kept me from going Girl Crazy overload by interpreting my sweetie's actions and letting me know that this dude indeed likes me.  

I truly believe that my sweetie brings out the absolute best in me, on top of making me happy.  He took care of me during 10-plus months of cancer treatment.  He was there for me when I was at my absolute worst and has held me and hugged me during those moments, where I was sick and bald.  When my nearby family decided that they would rather occupy themselves with non-cancer, non-Lara things, my sweetie became my family - my everything.  He was there every single day and was just as affected by breast cancer as me.  

Now that this sick and depressing period of our lives is over, I want us to move to the next level, whatever the hell that might be.  The thing that keeps getting in the way: I don't care to have a wedding.  I don't look at engagement rings or know different diamond cuts.  I have never dreamed of a wedding, aka "My big day!"  The idea of going shopping for a bridal dress makes me feel queasy.  I wonder if my mother was alive, if I would feel different about this.  If I had to hypothetically go shopping for a wedding dress, I wouldn't know who would be with me.  It just wouldn't be right without my mother.

Speaking of family, that would be another thing in the way of a wedding.  My sweetie hasn't talked to his family in three years, and I'm having major problems with my family.  A wedding right now between he and I would be the world's most awkward wedding.   I know my Aunts and Uncles and other extended family members would love to see me get married, but that's not enough of a reason to compel me to have a wedding.  It's just not me.  

What is me.... I imagine having a small, like super super small, with a few of my dear friends.  I would love to spend two weeks in a remote resort in Belize or some tropical island with my sweetie.   The more I think about it, yep... That scenario is totally me.