God

I don't touch on the subject that often because there is no way to accurately convey how I feel about the subject.  I'll give it a shot here.  Warning: this is me and my thoughts about religion.  I would never ever dream to impose my thoughts and beliefs on others.  

I believe in God but I have yet to find an organized religion that hasn't turned me away by one rule or another.  I was raised Catholic but when I reached the age of 16, I went running from that religion as far as I could go the other way.  I never agreed with the Catholic church's views on homosexuality or contraception.  Even before the age of 16 when my father told me, "It's your choice whether or not you want to go," I had long separated myself from the Catholic church.  I despised how the church used to devote long homilies to how you're supposed to donate money to the church so they could build a new one.  I never saw how a new building helped my spiritual growth.  Everywhere I turned, I just saw hypocrisy.  In my years of going to church or Catholic school, I was just talked to and no one really dove deeper than the superficial layer.

For the last 14 years, I have been a woman without a church, though I am what Catholics call a C & E Catholic - I'll go to mass on Christmas and Easter just to appease my parents.  I get nothing out of it spirituality.  It may sound weird but I find comfort in the familiarity of the Catholic rituals.  Kneel, pray, shake hands, kneel, pray, sing, etc.  I could to the routine of the mass in my sleep (some days growing up, it was kind of like I did).  I would never call myself a Catholic due to the major problems I have with the church, even though it was the religion my mother converted to and found great comfort.  I'm not her.  

God has never played the main role in my life but He has always been along for the ride.  While I have lived a lifestyle that not most Christians or individuals involved with religion would approve, I have always tried to live a good life - follow my heart.  I believe my mom would be proud of the person that I am today, despite not agreeing with the religion that meant so much to her.  I want to be a good person and be true to my words and actions.  I never wanted to be the type of person that I despised so much growing up and still - a hypocrite.  

After I got diagnosed last September, I thought about how this was event I always knew was going to happen.  Ever since I had my first mammogram at the age of 22, I have known that breast cancer and I were going to duke it out at one point in my life.  I just knew.  Personally, I don't blame God (or anyone for that matter) for me getting the CANNSUUH (tm Jo).  I believe that God is here with me.  

He was with me in the waiting room when Doctor Grandpa told me the calcifications were hiding a malignancy.  

He was with me and Amber at the hospital being silly before my surgery and making the nurses laugh at us (or well, me).  

He was with me right before the doctors put me under when I was crying and so afraid I was going to die like my mom. 

 He has been with me to every chemo and every needle pokin' appointment.  

If it comes to be that cancer and chemo took my chance away to ever have children, He will be there with me.

Even now, those dark moments when it's just me and my cancery thoughts, God has been there with me and brought me back to the light and to get me on the path to healing.  I know what I want to do after I get done with my treatment and it's because I'm putting my faith into something bigger than me.  

I know right now there's more to my life than just this illness.  In order for me to move onward and forward with my patented weird and positive self, I need to believe in a bigger purpose and that I can make a difference.