The other day, I did something I normally don't do: I took a huge, thorough look at myself in the mirror. I realized that for the first time since chemo, I now look sick. Loving boyfriend said, "You finally look like someone going through your situation." The dark circles under my eyes are darker and larger than normal. I'm significantly paler, which I never thought was possible (haha, 'cuz I'm so srsly pale). My eyelashes have been falling out gradually, and my eyebrows are thinning.
Strangely, I'm proud that it took this long for chemo to have an effect on my appearance. My last chemo is 11 days from now, and I'm on short-term disability. I've been undergoing treatment since November, and now it's early March. If this is now the point in my treatment that I look like a sick, cancer patient, then I count this as a victory. I should draw a representation of cancer, put it on my wall, so I can go, "In your face! I'm a winner."
The end of chemo is near! The end is fucking near! I can't wait. Excuse me for getting all cliche up in here, but I can see the tape at the end of the race. I'm about to reach the end of this long race (yes, I know I still have radiation to go). March 24 is a big day for me. I'm about a month away from my hair growing back. Yay - I really hate being bald. My big, alien head is not meant to be hairless.
All these wonderful things are going to start happening soon, and I'm all sorts of excited. I can't wait to start working on my house and yard again. Right now, I can't do more than two loads of laundry without getting fatigued. Ugh. I'm definitely looking forward to the day I can return to work without the distraction of CANSSUHH (tm Jo) affecting my work. I also miss my friends very much, so I'm looking forward to being able to go to shows or camping with them. I want to be able to have a conversation with my friends that doesn't involve talking about chemo or radiation. Everyone is so worried about me and scared for me. It'll be nice to have conversations with my friends and not see that worry on their faces anymore. Everyone, including myself, can just relax and go back to life as normal.
I'll hunker down these last couple of weeks in my house, rest when my body tells me to, and snuggle with my puppy, despite her occasional bouts of smelling like poo. (Seriously, what do dogs do outside? Roll around in it?) I'm just so close to getting my life back. I accept that this last month is going to suck really bad but everything is going to be okay real soon.