Reflections on my Reflection

I've been bald for a couple of weeks now.  Well, I'm not completely bald.  I have about 1 or 2 percent of my hair still holding out on my head.  These little stragglers are putting up quite a fight to chemo.  "Screw you, we're staying where we are!  Hell no, we won't go!"  One of my online breast cancer buddies told me that as chemo progresses, I'll be seeing all my stragglers fall too.  When that happens and I'm a complete chrome dome, that will be a sad day indeed. 

Ever since becoming bald, I've been telling everyone that I'm okay with losing my hair.  "It's just hair.  Mine will come back."  While it's true and I do believe that, I realized this morning that I avoid looking at myself in the mirror.  When I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror today, I was actually startled by my appearance.  For a split second, I didn't know the person looking back at me.  "Who's this 50 year old bald man looking at me?  Oh it's me.  Damn."  Maybe I just caught myself in one of those moments where I forgot about chemo.  I don't know. 

It's easy for me to accept that I'm bald because frankly, I don't have to look at myself all that often - especially since I'm avoiding looking in the mirror.  I imagine that this must be torture for my sweetie to really look at my bald head.  He can't look away or avoid my lack of hair.  It's always there, taunting him (well, a lot of the taunting is just me being a jerky mcjerkson and making fun of him, haha).  My bald head is definitely a big reminder of what's going on with my body and life.  Total aside, but I'm appreciative of my glasses right now.  I've worn glasses since I was 7 and they've always been a huge part of my look.  Now my glasses are going to serve as a solid identifer of LARA even when my eyebrows and eyelashes fall out.  Sometimes it's not so bad being the chick with the glasses, eh? 

I'm going wig shopping tomorrow and one of the reasons I'm even considering a wig is my sweetie.  If we can pretend for a couple of hours here and there that I have hair, let's do this.  It doesn't make me feel better (at least physically, who knows emotionally) but if it makes him feel better and more at ease around me, I'll do it.  I'll probably wear it when I'm out in public and maybe around the house?  Who knows.  Scarves and hats will be my main head wear until my hair starts coming back.  Hmm, if my chemo goes as scheduled, my last poison session is March 24.  I wonder if the hair regrowth is two or three weeks after that?  I could have a real hairdo by the fall?!?!?!?

The other reason I am now pro-wig: I want to adopt alter egos.  Seriously.  I want to find a short platinum blonde wig or maybe a long black wig.  I'll be Candy the Cheerleader, or Natasha the Spy!  I don't want a wig that looks like me pre-chemo.  Where's the fun in that?  Booooring.  If I'm going to buy a wig, I want something I can wear years from now for funsies or Halloween. 

Maybe I'll get more comfortable with my appearance as chemo rages on.  I might even take a picture of me and post it?  Probably not.  I can accept my appearance right now but it doesn't mean I have to like it.  I definitely do not.