Saturday, January 15, 2011

I Miss

I know it's only temporary and my hair should be growing back in a couple of months, but I really miss it right now.  Even though I never really did anything with my hair when it was on top of my head, I still miss it. 

The way it looked after I stopped trying to fight the curls and let the curls run wild on top of my head.  I've always had naturally curly hair but never really liked my curly hair.  I used to grow my hair out long and would just wear a ponytail every day.  For the last four or five years, I stopped trying to fight the curl and started cutting my hair really short, like to about my chin.  My hair and l finally came to an understanding: I would stop trying to pretend I had straight hair, and my hair would stop looking like a big ole frizzball.  Serenity's tagline: "You can't stop the signal."  Well, you can't stop the natural curls either.

The way I had a wide range of colors - from white to dirty or dishwater blonde.  My hair started growing in white since I was in my early 20s.  By the time my hair fell out last month, my hair was probably 30 percent white, like witch-hair white.  At my stepmom's 60th birthday last year, my brother took a picture of me taking a picture of my parental units.  When I saw the pic, the first thing I said was, "Whoa, that's a whole lot of white hair." 

The way it served as a buffer to my clumsy ole ass.  Last night, I cut the top of my head on Boomer's crate while trying to get something on the other side of the partition.  My fresh scalp was just ripe for the cuttin'.  I'd like to think my hair would have served as a buffer and tell my brain, "Whoa whoa, Lara.  Watch out for the sharp corner.  Check yo self before you wreck yo self."  Maybe, maybe not.

The way it enabled me to blend in with the rest of the population.  I miss being able to go out in public and not feel like people are looking at me, like, "She looks sickly.  I wonder why she's out and about, poor thang."  Don't get me wrong.  I love my bandanas, scarves and hats.  I am a girl who LOVES her accessories.  Wearing a hat or scarf all the time while out gets hot and itchy after awhile and I want to take it off.  After too much cover-time, my scalp feels like it's screaming, "LET ME BREATHE," especially if I'm having a hot flash.  Oh my stars, hot flashes makes it feel like the room is 90 degrees.  If I wear a scarf on my head, then I know I stand out like a big ole cancer patient and I feel so self conscious. 

I know I'm still me and that my hair will grow back in a couple of months.  I'm still not liking the baldness, not whatsoever.  My boyfriend can't look at me too long without his eyes wandering up to my lack of hair, and then he gets a sad look on his face.  I can't look in the mirror without wincing and wondering to myself, "Who the fuck is this person staring at me?"  This is just a lot.  A whole heck of a lot being thrown my way.

1 comment:

  1. oh man, I hit my head on stuff... well more than the average person. I never thought of hair as a protection layer... that sucks :( It will grow back when the cancer schmancer is over though. And you are beautiful and awesome!