Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I have a lot of anger inside me that I seriously need to let go.  It's not healthy for me or for the people around me to be so angry, especially since I'm angry at several women who have their heads so far up their asses that they believe I'm harboring some form of jealously.  I need to take a lesson from my sweetie's playbook and cut people out of my life.  For good.  He keeps telling me that the only way to let the anger go is to stop caring and to stop communicating with the people who make you feel so shitty.

One of the people I've been angry at for years has treated me like I am insignificant to her, like I don't matter.  (Yes, I'm talking about passive aggressive bitch.  Seriously, this is my last blog about the subject.... devoted way too much energy and thoughts on this heinous troll.)  For years, I started to believe this, like it's okay for me to be ignored or screamed at in front of people or put down for what I said or what I wore.  I let this girl treat me like a doormat and tell me what to do or feel bad about myself or to exclude me.  She repeatedly said nasty things about family members of mine and when I would dare defend them or speak up for myself, she would scream at me or curse.  Real nasty.  She's the type of person who demands respect and attention, but wouldn't know the first thing about giving it to someone else.  Unless, of course, that person has kissed the troll's ass for years.  Then the troll would pay attention to that person because she knows that eventually, the conversation will go back to her.   

I resented her for it for years up until probably three years ago when I just snapped.  She misconstrued an email I sent her and sent me this nasty message telling me to fuck off and other terms of endearment.  Something lovely like that.  I emailed her back telling her what I thought of her and how I wasn't going to take her shit anymore.  My email was full of some hardcore expletives.  My only regret is that I couldn't say it to her face.  After that, we have had this passive aggressive, fake nice relationship with each other.  "Hi, how are you."  "Good, you?"  Deep down, we both seriously disliked each other.  I would even go as far to say hate.  

Toxic people in your life just have to go, which is something her and I would agree on.  It's not healthy for all parties involved.  I'm not innocent in this toxic relationship.  I let it go on too long.  Instead of cursing her out, I would take her insults or snide comments.  I let the conversation center around her and her life, and let others (herself included) interrupt me when I dared talk about mine.  I was told to be nice, to get along, but I talked shit about her.  A lot of shit.  When I saw a shrink after my miscarriage, I even talked about my relationship with her to a shrink and cried, "Why doesn't she like me?  Why does she treat me this way?"  The professional told me: "You can't make people like you.  Definitely can't make them love you." 

She doesn't want me in her life anymore.  Likewise.  I don't need someone in my life who is so ugly on the inside to make me feel bad about myself.  She is a cancer, and she has to be removed from my life.  I have a lot of serious things going on in my life and need to focus all of my energy on myself and getting better, though I do hope that the person I'm talking about is reading this.  It's my way of saying:

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