Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Every Year

I have been getting sinus infections.  This has been going on for about five years or so.  I got tired of going to the doctor constantly for antibiotics so for the past three years, I've been letting the sinus infections run their course.  Apparently you cannot do that with cancer and undergoing chemotherapy.  My body can't fight off simple infections like this - everything is a big deal.  I'm now taking Z-Pack to fight off this infection and with it, I have a lovely side effect: a god awful stomach ache.  Fabulous - just what I needed.

One of the biggest mindfucks of cancer is that I don't know my body anymore.  Every ache or sharp pain, I think to myself, "Oh God, what if I have X, Y or Z?"  I get pains where my surgery was and I wonder, "What if Dr. Grandpa didn't get it all and now it's in my lymph nodes?"  Rational thoughts do not pop into my head first when something foreign is happening with my body.  I think worst case scenario first, and afterwards my logical side and my hypochondriac side duke it out.

"It is the cancer!   You're dying, Lara!  Take that!" - Hypochondriac

"No, it's your surgery site.  You're just healing, that's all.  On guard!" - Logical

I try not to let the ohmygodcancerisinmybody thoughts ruin my day and keep me up at nights.  I try to keep these thoughts to myself and go on with my day.  Unless you outright ask me how I'm physically doing, I try not to offer up that info.  "I'm exhausted.  Pretty sure my hair is falling out next week.  I have sharp pains in my ankle, legs and sometimes boobs.  My stomach is murdering me right now."  Just because I'm not constantly narrating how I'm feeling, that does not mean chemo isn't beating the crap out of me right now.  If I mentioned my discomfort and pain every time it was happening, I would never shut up.

This isn't me being brave or a fighter.  It's me trying to let others around me live their lives not totally eclipsed by me being sick.

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