Sunday, November 7, 2010

Getting Ready

I keep thinking that chemotherapy is something I can get myself and my house ready for this 12-week period of hell.  I'm trying to get all the laundry as done as it can be, the bathroom clean and my kitchen organized so a sick invalid me can prepare myself meals without any help.  Somewhere in my scaredy cat mind, I keep thinking I will reach a point where I am prepared for this chemotherapy bullshit that the 12 weeks on it will be a breeze.

I feel fine right now.  I could do a jig that would probably demonstrate how "fine" I am feeling at the moment.  I'm able-bodied and can do whatever I want to, whether it is drive to the store or take a shower without help, whenever I want to.  So many people have asked me, "How are you feeling, Lara?"  Physically - fantastic.  Emotionally - I'm scared out of my freaking mind.  If I'm so brave, as many have described me, then why I am so scared?  Riddle me that, Batman.

Life before breast cancer.

I can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that very soon, I am going to be sick.  I'm going to have days, possibly weeks, where I am going to feel like death and will have to have others help me.  How do you prepare for that?  I wish I could bargain with God that I will be a good little girl if He lets me get through chemotherapy with minimal side effects.  

One of the side effects of the chemotherapy treatment my doctor is recommending is hair loss.  I've been trying to remain flippant about the whole being bald thing but I can't lie.  I'm scared of my hair falling out.  Even though I have never been big on hair or appearance, that's still my hair, y'know?  Without it, I'm going to look like a sick cancer patient.  I'm also afraid of my friends' and family's reaction to seeing me bald.  I swear, if anyone cries at the sight of me, that will just depress me even more.  Please, those who love me that read this, don't cry at seeing me bald and sick.  

As of right now, I'm not wanting to get a wig when I become bald.  Main reason, one of the side effects of several of the medications they want to put me on is hot flashes.  How am I going to tolerate having a foreign object on my head if I'm sweating like crazy?  Thank God I'm having all this done during the winter.  That has to help with the hot flashes coming my way.... I hope.  The other reason I don't want to wear a wig is that it makes me think of my mom.  One of my memory snippets of her was coming home from school and seeing her wearing a wig.  I believe me and my brothers asked her incredulously, "What's that you're wearing?" and she was upset about it.

I'm trying to stay positive because that's who I firmly believe the person I am.  To be honest, it's hard to remain upbeat and positive when you know you're about to face a 12-week period of pain, sickness and depression.  

I hope some therapy time with a certain beagle will help me get through my dark days.  It's hard for me to feel sad when a furry beagle needs to be petted.

Maggie says relax.


  1. There are things called "cool caps" that are little pads you wear on your head between the wig so it doesn't scratch you and such.


    You'll know when it's time. I started to find Wash's "hairballs" everywhere, so we just shaved what was left off at that point.
    I think it was about 2-3 weeks of radiation before that happened.

    *hugs* Remember, you are never alone.

  2. oh man, that beagle is indeed saying "relax." what a cute face. if you want to borrow a cat who will snooze with you and purr a little and amuse you with its laser-chasing abilities, let me know.