Getting Closer

The closer I get to chemo day, the more calm and yet still anxious I become.  I am ready for this to begin but yet I'm scared out of my freaking mind.

One thing I think a lot about: I wish my mom was here.  I really and truly do.  This is definitely one of those times I think how un-fucking-fair it is my mom isn't around.  (Yes, I'm 30 years old and I WANT MY MOMMY.)  She went up against the beast and lived through five years of breast cancer.  Unfortunately for her and anyone who loved her, this disease took her from all of us.  Now 23 years after her death, I have the same disease but I don't have my mother around to help me and be there for me.  I'm a breast cancer orphan.  Now that I have bright red hair, I'm Little (Breast Cancer) Orphan Annie.

I wonder if my mom would have gone to all my post-cancer appointments with me.  Would she have been emotional about it when she heard the news and cried with me?  Would she have been all up in my shit asking me how I was feeling and what's the latest news every day, until I cried out, "MOM LEAVE ME ALONE!"?  I have no idea.  Was she even an emotional person?  I wonder if she would have felt some level of guilt knowing I got the same disease as her around the same early age, too, or would she have been in a no-nonsense, "let's get this!" mindset?   

At a lot of these appointments I've had, I've seen women with cancer come in with their girl friends (or family members), and I get really sad.  I bet my mom would have been my cancer buddy.  I miss her so much, especially nowadays.  I know my friends would be my cancer buddy if they could but most everyone I know has a 9 to 5 job and can't come with me, or they live in Kansas City and obviously can't be here.  I've been talking to my hetero-life mate's mother a lot about what's going on.  My friend's mom, who has always thought of me as a daughter, was good friends with my mom.  Talking to her always helps.  It's me trying to get close to my mom and trying to get that motherly affection I'm needing now.

I know my mother is with me "in spirit" but hell, I wish she was with me in person.  Times like this I really hate breast cancer and all it has took from me and still trying to take.