Wishing and Hoping and Waiting

If anyone is curious, I have absolutely no idea when my cancer treatment is going to start and what exactly the cancer treatment is going to entail.  We are waiting for the results of my Oncotype Dx score: if the cancer scores high, then that means chemotherapy is on like Donkey Kong.  If the cancer scores low, then chemotherapy would be pointless. 

The other test I am waiting the results for: the BRAC1 and BRAC2 gene mutation test.  If the test comes back positive, then my funbags will be fun no more.  I will 100 percent get a bilateral mastectomy and get me some fake boobs.  For realz.  I will suffer through the hell that is bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction because if I carry those gene mutations, I will be freaking out the rest of my life that I'm going to get another breast cancer.  If the test comes back negative, then I'll be all indecisive about what I need to do to eradicate Barney from my body.

For the next week or so, my life is going to be "normal" before I become a cancer patient.  Right now, I feel fine.  I'm about 90 percent since my lymph node removal and partial mastectomy surgery last month.  The 10 percent remaining is the numbness under my armpit and arm.  It's weird.  I touch that area and don't feel a thing.  Trippy.  Anyway, I keep thinking how drastically my life is going to change in such a short period of time.  I'm going to go from feeling fine and normal to recovering from surgery (likely surgeries).  I may be having radiation and chemotherapy.  All of this could be happening as quickly as the beginning of November. 

I wish I could "live it up" until I start treatment.  Maybe I'll kill a man in Reno just to watch him die, or dance like no one's watching and love like I'll never get hurt.  I don't know what I'll do.  I'm enjoying the last hours and days of my "normal" life because pretty soon, I'm going to look back at these days and miss them terribly.