Preparing

In stark contrast to yesterday morning, today I woke up and have yet to feel depressed or overwhelmed about anything. I have so much to do to get my house renovation done that I don't have time to wallow or cry today. I can save that for after my biopsy and surgery. Of course I feel sad and upset about what's happening but I just can't let those feelings overtake me today. Cancer really does make one view their life as "one day at a time."

One thing I'm trying to do is get my house ready for when the time comes I don't have the strength or energy to do any housework. I am almost done with my laundry and today, I'm coming after the bathroom (ugh, gross) and dusting and vacuuming the upstairs. Today, I plan on paying some of the bills due in the next three weeks, so nothing gets overlooked. While I still have some semblance of control over my life, I want to take care of things. I want to bring up one of the DVD players to my bedroom and try to transform this room into some sort of Cancer Death Star. (Is that the correct Star Wars reference?)

The unknown is scary. There are so many things that I just don't know. I don't know what I'm going to feel like. I don't know how long my cancer treatment is going to last. I don't know if I'm going to be able to work while fighting cancer. I don't know if my hair is going to fall out. I don't know how this is going to turn out. I'm not being morbid or negative about what the outcome of this is going to be - quite the opposite. While I'm optimistic, I just don't know anything. I can start spouting off altruisms and cliched sayings to make everyone around me feel better, but fuck, right now it's not my job to make anyone else feel better. It's like my life was a neatly piled of playing cards, and breast cancer came along and threw that pile up in the air. Rat bastard cancer.