Saturday, September 25, 2010

Fuck you Cancer

I always knew breast cancer was coming for me. I didn't think it would be coming for me this early. I'm 30 years old and three days ago, I was informed by a kind surgeon that I have breast cancer.

I would describe the feelings going through me right now as shock, anger and grief. I'm pretty damned shocked that I have breast cancer at what most everyone considers to be a young age. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at 35 and died at 40, so maybe I shouldn't be too shocked that it came for me now. I have a couple of wrinkles in my face but I can still remember my youth with sharp clarity. I'm at this weird point in my life where I'm not young and wild, but I'm not old. I'm 30 years old. I don't know how many other 30 year old breast cancer patients I'll be encountering during the course of my treatment.

I'm also pretty fucking angry. This doesn't seem fair whatsoever. Hey, breast cancer. You already got my mom. You have to come for me too? It makes me very angry and I want to hit something hard. I only recently got to this great place in my life. I finally met a guy who I love with every fiber of my being and we just bought a house this past March. Come December, we will have been together for two years. This is my longest relationship with a guy ever. This is absolutely special to me and brings me so much happiness and peace. Breast cancer is trying to take this away from me, and it makes me pretty damn mad.

Lastly, I'm grieving. The life I used to have is now about to end, and I'm days away from being Lara the cancer patient. That is pretty fucking traumatic, I'll say that. I don't want to have to depend on others to take care of me. The very thought just makes me panic and want to stomp my feet, going NO NO NO. I hate asking for help and I hope to God it never gets to the point where someone will have to help me take a shower or use the bathroom. That will just be the absolute lowest for me. I'm also grieving for the body I have that I'm about to give up. I don't want to lose my boob or boobs. Call me vain but I don't care. I have/had nice tatas and I'm about to say good bye to one or maybe both of them. I should, though, keep in mind that one of them is trying to KILL ME. Sigh....

I love my life. I'm going to miss my old life so much. This is going to change absolutely everything, and I know that and I understand that. I know I'm about to experience pain and hurt that I never thought was possible. I understand that my finances are about to get wrecked hard. Luckily, I have a wonderful man who will take care of me, plus friends and family who will help if they can. I love my support system, and I hope they all understand when I'm going to be unavailable or uncommunicative. This is not going to be something I Facebook - I can't social network my breast cancer. "Lara is at the hospital, having an operation" - then someone likes it. Wtf. My Facebook will be deleted once the cancer ball starts rolling.

I named my blog get up swinging because that's what I do. You knock me down, then I'm going to get up swinging. Cancer has done knocked me down, and the next coming months will be me trying to get up swinging.

No comments:

Post a Comment