Boyfriend and I will be going on a long overdue vacation at the end of the week. We are going somewhere that's warm and sunny. I decided to go bathing suit shopping because my two piece is not conducive to spending time in the water, which I plan to do. Trying on bathing suits today reminded me how much I hate to try on bathing suits.
Oh my god. It's been a long time since I've considered the reflection in the mirror my enemy. All I could see was what I consider to be my flaws: my asymmetrical bewbs, the junk in my trunk and my belleh, and the visible scars. On top of that, I kept staring at the visible white hair that fluorescent lighting really shows off. I kept looking in the mirror and thinking, "Who the fuck are you?" I didn't and still don't recognize my own body. All the "flaws" I pointed out just made me feel old.
I hate the fact that my body has been through absolute hell yet I'm still a vain, superficial girl. A lot of it has to do with vanity, yes. Another part: I seemingly have no control over my own body. It's going to do what it's going to do, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Doctors keep wanting to cut me open and make me take whatever drug, and I have no control or say. It's a horrible feeling when you come to the realization that you're hopeless when it comes to your own body.
I ended up purchasing the most basic one-piece suit. It's an aquamarine blue and shows as little cleavage as possible. I'm now on the lookout for board shorts to cover up my ass because I won't be comfortable otherwise.
My boobs used to be a source of pride and vanity for me. Now they are a source of discomfort and embarrassment. I doubt anyone would look at me, especially since all I'll want to do is hide and not be seen.
Cancer 1. Lara 0.