Boyfriend and I will be going on a long overdue vacation at the end of the week. We are going somewhere that's warm and sunny. I decided to go bathing suit shopping because my two piece is not conducive to spending time in the water, which I plan to do. Trying on bathing suits today reminded me how much I hate to try on bathing suits.
Oh my god. It's been a long time since I've considered the reflection in the mirror my enemy. All I could see was what I consider to be my flaws: my asymmetrical bewbs, the junk in my trunk and my belleh, and the visible scars. On top of that, I kept staring at the visible white hair that fluorescent lighting really shows off. I kept looking in the mirror and thinking, "Who the fuck are you?" I didn't and still don't recognize my own body. All the "flaws" I pointed out just made me feel old.
I hate the fact that my body has been through absolute hell yet I'm still a vain, superficial girl. A lot of it has to do with vanity, yes. Another part: I seemingly have no control over my own body. It's going to do what it's going to do, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Doctors keep wanting to cut me open and make me take whatever drug, and I have no control or say. It's a horrible feeling when you come to the realization that you're hopeless when it comes to your own body.
I ended up purchasing the most basic one-piece suit. It's an aquamarine blue and shows as little cleavage as possible. I'm now on the lookout for board shorts to cover up my ass because I won't be comfortable otherwise.
My boobs used to be a source of pride and vanity for me. Now they are a source of discomfort and embarrassment. I doubt anyone would look at me, especially since all I'll want to do is hide and not be seen.
Cancer 1. Lara 0.
No no nonononono.
ReplyDeleteLara 1, Cancer 0. You may hate the way you look, and you may be looking for a burqini to swim in, but you're still getting out there. Just the fact that you're going to be outside, in the sun, enjoying yourself (seven gets you ten you forget about your ass, your belleh, and Sideshow within five minutes of getting in the water) puts you miles ahead of a whole lot of other people, most of whom haven't even had cancer. (I didn't swim at all last summer because I was ashamed of my fat self. This year, fuckit.)
Enjoy your vacation. If anybody gives you any guff, (which they won't, being far too concerned about their own asses) whack 'em in the head with something heavy and go off whistling. You've earned it.
I guess I am de-lurking to say... this is the most common of hang ups! I haven't had BC but I have had a lot of stuff go on in my almost 50 years on earth and I HONESTLY thought I'd be over this by now! But, no! Turned down an invite to a pool party last weekend because I am not ready to be seen! How sad is that. I dismay myself.
ReplyDeleteAll that said I immediately wanted to share this blog post with you, it actually did make me feel better. This chick has sass to spare (and good thing since I need some!): http://www.gabifresh.com/2012/04/i-just-got-back-from-fantastic-trip-to.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+youngfatandfabulous%2FlfYZ+%28Young%2C+Fat%2C+%26amp%3B+Fabulous%29
Don't give cancer a win. Im sure you are very pretty scars or not. :/ Rawk that swim suit girl! Rawk it!
ReplyDelete