Tomorrow

I am super nervous about my thyroidectomy tomorrow.  All day long, I have been thinking about tomorrow with so much dread and anxiety.  It's not like this surgery is a big surprise or anything but still my nerves are shot to hell.  I've had known issues with my thyroid for five or six years.  Sooner or later, this expletive body part of mine had to come out.  

I just didn't think it was going to happen NOW.  I'm freaking out because it's only been a month since my last chemo.  The week after this, I'm going to have to start radiation therapy.  This is a lot of blood work, and needles, and nurses, and doctors ... all in a very short time period.  I'm tired of it, that's all.  I just want my life back because right now, this sure as shit does not feel like my life.  It feels like hell, and I want it to stop.  Please, God, will this ever end.  

I miss my body, the way it used to be.  My eyebrows are gone and so are most of my eyelashes, so now my self esteem has also left the building.  I look like Benjamin freaking Button.  I'm self conscious about the way my chest looks.  In some shirts I have, it's noticeable that one boob is bigger than the other. Now, on top of all this bull shit, I'm going to have a nice big scar across my neck.  I look like a freak, and it's just going to keep on coming apparently.   My scars don't heal nicely either.  It'll take a couple of years before the scar to fade.  I swear, if anyone asks when I'm going to get married to my sweetie, here's my answer: when pictures can be taken of me that don't make me cry.

I miss my friends, too.  I've just had so much going on with doctors appointments and side effects, that I barely see anybody like I used to.  I miss being able to go out and not be completely exhausted just when everyone's getting started.  I definitely miss having more things to talk about with my friends than effing cancer.  That's all I seem to talk about, whether it's my treatments or my wonderful side effects.  Yes, hot flashes suck.  

If I can start radiation next week, I won't be done until June 17 - almost 10 months of my life devoted to cancer and sickness.  It's going to be another couple of months before I can go out in public and not wonder if everyone is staring at me.  Oh that poor girl.  She looks sick - I wonder if she should be out.  I want my life back.  I want it back so much.