Friday, October 8, 2010


I had my follow-up with Dr. Methusala today, even though I was scheduled for Monday.  For some reason, I'm either having an allergic reaction to something or an infection from the surgery.  It's hard to tell since they both look the same, apparently?  Anyway, I was feeling like a hypochondriac but when the nurse saw the spot on my back and went, "Oooh" in a bad way, I knew I wasn't being one.  Then the feeling of "oh shit, why can't I fight anything off anymore?" came over me.  Duh dummy - you gots the cancer.

I became better acquainted with my cancer today.  While I'm in stage one (good news) and my lymph nodes were benign (also, good news), there is evidence that the cancer has made vascular/lymph channel penetration.  The fucker is trying to get out.  I guess the simple way to put this: we caught a very aggressive cancer in its early stages.  Early detection is key, yes, but it is still aggressive.  On an Angry/Aggressive scale (from 1 to 9, 3 being the lowest score), my cells scored a 6.  That's a sign of aggression, and that's not good.  

Lemme school you in some cancer right now.  My age is both helpful and harmful to me.  It's helpful insofar that it helps me recuperate from surgeries and treatment.  My age makes this cancer harmful because of hormones, which makes the cancer aggressive.   My hormones make my cancer all big and bad, like Mark McGuire after the steroids.  If I was 10 to 20 years older, my cancer would be like Mark McGuire pre-roids.

All of this means is that my cancer has to be treated aggressively, guns blazing, send in the troops.  This isn't some pussy cancer we can all laugh and point fingers at.  I wish.  It's really hitting me that it really doesn't get more serious than this.  God, if I wasn't being watched and screened so diligently, this is something that could have taken my life in the immediate future.  Do I not have the genes of someone who could live a long and healthy life?   What the fuck is wrong with my DNA that something so horribly tragic like this happens to my body?  

I mean, for fuck's sake, this is crushing me down.  I may look like I am walking and talking and going on like every day life, but I'm being pummeled right now.  I am on the floor, fetal position and all, being gang beaten by breast cancer, and then chemo is going to come along and run me over with a car.  Now I'm looking at an aggressive course of treatment that is going to occur within the next two weeks that is going to make me so feel so incredibly awful that I'm going to get a nice glimpse at death.  God almighty.   What's going to happen to me?

This is not going to be okay.  This is going to be many many things and okay is not one of them.  I have never been so fucking scared in my entire life.  I swear on a stack of Cosmos, I will hunt anyone down and throw a tantrum of epic proportions if anyone says brave or fighter to me.  I.  Am.  Neither.  If you want to reach out to me, please please please leave those platitudes out, or I'm going to scream.


  1. Please go re-read some of my blog from Dec/Jan when Wash was doing chemo and radiation every day. His is stage 4. We know aggressive.
    And you CAN get through it. It will seem tough as all shit sometimes, but you CAN do it.
    There are wonderful moments and ways this can change you, not just "worse physically".
    If there was no real sorrow in life, would joy matter that much?
    *hugs* I'm mrs.pratt over on Jez talk to me if you need to. It's scary and horrible all at once, I know, but time won't stop for you and willingly or no you will get through the next minute. 60 seconds. Then maybe 300 seconds.
    Small bits, but it's something you know will happen and taking things 5 mins at a time is ok for you. Everything you are feeling is ok and "normal".
    Sending you the best thoughts and care.

  2. hugs and love, you can do it.