Chemo 1.5

My sister from another mister, Amber, came with me to this round of chemotherapy.  I was very nervous that I was going to have another allergic reaction and I wanted a fellow cancer warrior wtih me if that happens.  The oncologist ordered  a whole bunch of premeds for me this time around since I had the allergic reaction last time.  I had more steroids, Benadryl, etc.  The Benadryl made me all sorts of loopy.  I think next time I'm going to bring my iPod with me and a sleeping mask to try and catch some Zs.

My chemo nurse kept telling me, "No reactions from you this time, alright?"  "Ha, okay.  I'll try."  She told me that I had her very scared last time: "I even ran to get help."  Oy, yeah, I remembered that.  This one woman, whose husband is receiving treatment, said to me when I was finishing up, "You were that girl who had the reaction last time."  "Ha, yep.  That would be me."  "I remember you.  First you turned red and then you turned blue."  Ughhhhh, that didn't make me feel cheery.

I ended up being okay with abraxane.  This morning, I feel like shit, like I drank way too much last night.  Ha, my chemo nurse told me that her and the other nurse were saying, "If Dr. [Unibrow] wanted to challenge the taxotere again, they knew a guy named Guido would take 'talk' some sense into my doctor."  Hahaha.  I asked, "Oh you guys wouldn't have given that to me?"  "Nope, none of us would.  We were all glad when he moved to something else."  Moral of the story: don't fuck with nurses.

I get my Neulasta shot tonight, which means I won't be very mobile for the next couple of days.  Fun times. 
   

Post-Cancer

I have several plans already forming as to what I want to do after I am done with chemotherapy and radiation (if everything goes as planned, that should be in May or June?).  The first plan: after I am done with this cancer schmancer bullshit, I am going to go on a nice long vacation.  I want to go somewhere warm and relaxing.  Basically, I want to have a vacation that's so nice and relaxing that my brain constantly goes, "Ahhhhh."  Even though I am not a fan of swimming or laying in the sun, I want to go to some paradise for awhile. 

I don't care how much money it takes or the fact I burn like a mofo just spending a half hour outside.  I will find the money, and I will just spend msot of the time under an umbrella.  I don't even care my one boob is significantly different from my non-cancer boob.  If anyone is staring at my chest long enough to notice there's a difference, then I'll make them buy me a drink.  Wait, I don't drink anymore.  I'll make them buy me a salad.  Oh yeah.

The other big decision I have come to: I am done fundraising for the sake of breast cancer awareness.  I don't know about you but I am more than aware of breast cancer, and I think pretty much everyone else is as well.  I still plan on doing Race for the Cure every year, especially since I'm a pink-shirt.  I think it will be cool to still do the race and see thousands of people who hate breast cancer as much as me.  However, I want to find a foundation that donates directly to research or maybe helping anyone who has cancer who is underinsured or not insured at all. 

Cancer has definitely opened my eyes on so many things.  I want to either fundraise for cancers that don't have a lot of awareness, like pancreatic cancer or colon cancer.  They don't get a lot of the marketing slice of the pie.  Why is that?  Because the pancreas and colon isn't as sexy as boobs?  Ugh.  I definitely want to help those affected by cancer whose finances are being wrecked by medical bills.  Those people not only have to worry about a deadly disease like cancer, they are just trying to stay afloat.  When I get better and start on my own crusade, those are the people I want to help.  If you can alleviate someone's financial stress, you are doing a world of good for their physical stress. 

I also wouldn't mind doing public speaking about being a 30 year old with breast cancer.  I would love love love to dispel the popular belief that young women can't get breast cancer because that's just not true.  It's not common but it's definitely not rare.  This will probably sound like I'm full of myself but I think God is setting on me a path.  As the annoying cliche goes, everything happens for a reason.  I'm beginning to believe that God has finally let me know what my path is, and it's up to me to start the real journey. 

"If I had a penny for my thoughts I'd be a millionaire."

I am pretty sure that breast cancer has cemented me with the reputation of being the girl with the problems.  I'm the girl with the dead mom.  I'm the girl with the thyroid problem (which in turn, caused the anxiety problem).  I'm the girl with the weird allergies.  I'm the girl who has the miscarriage on vacation at Myrtle Beach and bums out all her friends .  I'm the girl with an undiagnosed back problem for SEVEN years before a chiropractor discovered it was just a pinched nerve in my hip.  I'm now the girl with the breast cancer. 

A friend of mine, who I love dearly, said to me on the phone after hearing about my allergic reaction to taxotere: "Awww, Lara.  It's always something with you, isn't it."  Ah son of a bitch.  That's not the first time she's said something like that.  I know she means well but it comes across as pity to me.  Hearing comments like that makes me want to slap my face with my hand.  IT'S PITY.  It's because I have the reputation as the girl with the problems.

Ugh, fuck me.  That's not how I want to be seen or perceived.  It's certainly not how I see myself.  The seven-year ordeal with my back pain really screwed me, though.  Every month, I would get sciatic pain that would just render me completely useless for a couple of days.  The pain would extend from my right hip and shoot all the way down to my foot.  I lost numerous nights of sleep.  I cried.  I took Ibuprofen like it was nobody's bizness, and had "sympathetic" family members tell just to take Ibuprofen and get over it.  My miracle cure came in the form of my lovely boyfriend (awww, I love my sweetie) taking me to a chiropractor to get an X-ray of my hip.  Problem solved.  I haven't had that debilitating back/hip pain in almost a year.

Now the evil breast cancer comes along and BAM, again I am the girl with the fucking problems.  No no NO.  I am tired of it.  No more.   

My goal for life post breast-cancer: I am going to be the girl who had the problems but is now so full of awesome and win (tm Jo) that you can't help but give me TWO thumbs up when you see me.  Seriously.  Life gave me lemons, and I'm going to make a Long Island Iced Tea and say "what's up, bitches."  Anxiety is not going to rule my life anymore. 

More importantly, I am eventually going to stop caring how other people perceive me.  Ha.   

Wishing and Hoping and Waiting

If anyone is curious, I have absolutely no idea when my cancer treatment is going to start and what exactly the cancer treatment is going to entail.  We are waiting for the results of my Oncotype Dx score: if the cancer scores high, then that means chemotherapy is on like Donkey Kong.  If the cancer scores low, then chemotherapy would be pointless. 

The other test I am waiting the results for: the BRAC1 and BRAC2 gene mutation test.  If the test comes back positive, then my funbags will be fun no more.  I will 100 percent get a bilateral mastectomy and get me some fake boobs.  For realz.  I will suffer through the hell that is bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction because if I carry those gene mutations, I will be freaking out the rest of my life that I'm going to get another breast cancer.  If the test comes back negative, then I'll be all indecisive about what I need to do to eradicate Barney from my body.

For the next week or so, my life is going to be "normal" before I become a cancer patient.  Right now, I feel fine.  I'm about 90 percent since my lymph node removal and partial mastectomy surgery last month.  The 10 percent remaining is the numbness under my armpit and arm.  It's weird.  I touch that area and don't feel a thing.  Trippy.  Anyway, I keep thinking how drastically my life is going to change in such a short period of time.  I'm going to go from feeling fine and normal to recovering from surgery (likely surgeries).  I may be having radiation and chemotherapy.  All of this could be happening as quickly as the beginning of November. 

I wish I could "live it up" until I start treatment.  Maybe I'll kill a man in Reno just to watch him die, or dance like no one's watching and love like I'll never get hurt.  I don't know what I'll do.  I'm enjoying the last hours and days of my "normal" life because pretty soon, I'm going to look back at these days and miss them terribly.