Showing posts with label 30 was a bitch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 30 was a bitch. Show all posts

Friday, April 29, 2011

Birthday Wishes

Hello ladies and gentlemen, as you all have guessed, I survived my total thyroidectomy.  It wasn't easy nor pretty (seriously, my scar looks like a lady's body part on my neck).  The first night after my surgery was pretty awful.  First, it took them about four to five hours just to find me a room, and I ended up being the last person out of recovery.  As they were wheeling me to my floor, I saw my sweetie when the nurse pushed me around the corner.  The moment I saw him - bammmm.  I threw up all over myself.  It was like a freaking horror movie.

Loving boyfriend appears on screen.

Heroine pukes on herself.

And scene.

The anesthesia and I ended up duking it out that night, and I lost.  I couldn't stop getting sick and couldn't hold anything in my stomach.  The second trip to the little girls' room I made that night - it ended with me passing out and waking up to eight or so medical professionals surrounding me.  The nurse's aid was helping me to the sink.  I could feel myself getting weak and everything was getting quieter.  She asked if she needed to go get a chair for me.  I said yes and please get it quickly. 

When I woke up, I was wondering why they were waking me up from such a lovely dream.  I was surrounded by so many unfamiliar faces, telling me, "DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES, LARA."  It was very nonsensical to me.  I was so sleepy - of course I wanted to close my eyes.  The nurse's aid told me that when I passed out and I was falling to the chair, I hit my head on the back of the wall.  I was also told later that my blood pressure was very low and I was hypocalcemic.  They kept injecting me with anti-nausea meds (one of which caused a nasty allergic reaction on my arm, ugh), and waking me up every hour to check my vitals.  They came close to moving me to a monitor floor, but ended up just putting me in a wait and see mode.

My surgeon told me around 8 that morning that my night O terror won me another night in the hospital.  Fantastic.  My roommate was an 80 something woman with dementia who kept yelling at the nurses.  At first I thought she was a little cray-cray.  After being woken up numerous times that night and the next, I understood why she kept yelling at them.  "Why won't you let me sleep?" she kept asking the first night.  The next night, I kept asking, "Why won't you let me sleep?"  Hope you're doing well, Gertrude.

I got released from the pokey around 10 in the morning on the second day, also known as my birthday.  My calcium levels are still low but my surgeon thinks I can manage it myself.  I was told if my extremeties start to go numb, I have to go to the emergency room and get on an IV of calcium.  So far, so good.

I don't know if it's the drugs or the fact that the fuzz on my head is really noticeable now... but I was in a fantastic mood yesterday for my birthday.  When my sweetie and I got home last night, I popped some painkillers and watched television.  He gave my birthday gift: the newest Harry Potter on DVD/Blueray.  Sweet!  Just what I wanted.  We ate the mini-cake my stepmom bought me for my birthday.  It was exactly the kind of birthday I wanted to have.

Every birthday from here on out is going to be special to me, but definitely not cause for celebration or partytiems.  I'm done with that - seriously.  This is going to sound completely sentimental of me and even borderline cliche.... Every birthday I have after my cancer diagnosis is a giant FU to cancer.  I was 30 years old when I was diagnosed, and now I'm 31.  Every year I get older, the more I can say, "I'm a X amount of year breast cancer survivor."  I think that's pretty darn cool. 

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes and the general get well sentiments.  I really appreciate it.  I promise you and more importantly, I promise myself that this is the year I'm going to get stronger.  30 sucked and I have a feeling that 31 is going to be the year I get better. 

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The end is near

The other day, I did something I normally don't do: I took a huge, thorough look at myself in the mirror.  I realized that for the first time since chemo, I now look sick.  Loving boyfriend said, "You finally look like someone going through your situation."  The dark circles under my eyes are darker and larger than normal.  I'm significantly paler, which I never thought was possible (haha, 'cuz I'm so srsly pale).  My eyelashes have been falling out gradually, and my eyebrows are thinning.  

Strangely, I'm proud that it took this long for chemo to have an effect on my appearance.  My last chemo is 11 days from now, and I'm on short-term disability.  I've been undergoing treatment since November, and now it's early March.  If this is now the point in my treatment that I look like a sick, cancer patient, then I count this as a victory.  I should draw a representation of cancer, put it on my wall, so I can go, "In your face!  I'm a winner."  


The end of chemo is near!  The end is fucking near!  I can't wait.  Excuse me for getting all cliche up in here, but I can see the tape at the end of the race.  I'm about to reach the end of this long race (yes, I know I still have radiation to go).  March 24 is a big day for me.  I'm about a month away from my hair growing back.  Yay - I really hate being bald.  My big, alien head is not meant to be hairless.  

All these wonderful things are going to start happening soon, and I'm all sorts of excited.  I can't wait to start working on my house and yard again.  Right now, I can't do more than two loads of laundry without getting fatigued.  Ugh.  I'm definitely looking forward to the day I can return to work without the distraction of CANSSUHH (tm Jo) affecting my work.  I also miss my friends very much, so I'm looking forward to being able to go to shows or camping with them.  I want to be able to have a conversation with my friends that doesn't involve talking about chemo or radiation.  Everyone is so worried about me and scared for me.  It'll be nice to have conversations with my friends and not see that worry on their faces anymore.  Everyone, including myself, can just relax and go back to life as normal.

I'll hunker down these last couple of weeks in my house, rest when my body tells me to, and snuggle with my puppy, despite her occasional bouts of smelling like poo.  (Seriously, what do dogs do outside?  Roll around in it?)   I'm just so close to getting my life back.  I accept that this last month is going to suck really bad but everything is going to be okay real soon.